Confession...

She is even cute when she cries!

If I were Catholic I would be spending a lot of time in the good old confession booth these days. I have been kind of avoiding visiting people and/or leaving the house lately because Maya has colic. I know that babies everywhere are fussy, but this is takes fussy to a whole new level.

My confession is that I have been really struggling with guilt and feeling embarrassed. She has cried so often at various times of the day over the last few weeks that I never know when she will be "safe" to take out and when it will turn into complete chaos! I have literally read almost every book I can get my hands on over the last 9 months and none of it seems to work for Maya...that is where the guilt plays in. After trying all of the various "methods" of parenting for weeks without anything seeming to work, it left me feeling like a complete failure. I have waited my entire life to be a mom, and then I (for lack of better descriptive word) SUCK at it. She wakes up every 5-20 minutes if I lay her down on her back, but I feel like I might be hauled in for child abuse if I lay her on her stomach. But after days of pushing from my grandma I laid her down on her stomach for a nap...she was out in 30 seconds and slept for 2 hours. So I either am a bad mom for letting her sleep on her stomach or I feel horrible because she never gets any good sleep on her back. Uggggg



The embarrassed part is that I always like to have it "together". Look good, feel good right? For two weeks any attempt at heading out of the house has turned into screaming and Maya being totally inconsolable. Last week she didn't want anybody to hold her except for me, leaving Ty feeling totally helpless. We have been truly blessed with so many wonderful friends who just want to meet Maya, and I am embarrassed because she cries when they hold her (unless she happens to be sleeping).



I am "outing" myself for a few reasons:



1) I took her back to the pediatrician because I knew she had thrush (even though they said she didn't) and sure enough she did, so now that she is on the mend, she is feeling much better. I also asked them about the laying on her back and her waking up all the time issue and they think she has baby heartburn or acid reflux which wakes her up so we are trying a few things to help with that and it seems to be working :)



2) I constantly am telling others to be open, that talking about it helps...and I am not following my own advice. Today I went to see my midwife, Megan...aka my hero, and it felt so good to talk to her about what has been going on. She is a mom and a wife and a real person too! Her advice was so helpful. She said, "Molly, none of the authors of any of the baby books have ever met Maya, they don't know what her specific needs are, you do. Stop feeling guilty about meeting the needs of your baby...that is why she is yours." I cried a little.



3) My poor little sister Natalie saw Maya and I in full colic mode the other day when we were attempting a visit to Target. It really upset her because she had no idea that we were struggling. I think that she felt a little hurt that I hadn't said anything and really sad for Maya and I. All of this reminding me that I tend to be very kept to myself and private when things aren't going so hot.



Thankfully the last two days and nights have gone much better. Maya is a happier baby, and Ty and I are learning to take things as they come. There are good days and bad days...or as my M.i.L says, "they are all good days, some are just better than others". So to all of our wonderful friends who have been trying to visit...if you don't mind the possibility of a scream here or there we would love to see you. Please don't give up on us.



This has to be the most hormonal blog on the planet! I swear I will update with some really fun posts soon...or my awful attempt at humor through blogging.